Someone needs to muzzle Sergei Fedorov's dad. He's running around saying Sergei is leaving the Wings after this season. Sergei's agent is denying the story. From what I understand, Sergei has a relatively small contract with huge payouts for winning the Cup. But I could be misunderstanding it. I'm not a lawyer.
Also, here is the Curtis Joseph TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY: adopted kid, shy kid, goalie, shy goalie. Play Kelly Clarkson's A MOMENT LIKE THIS while you read it and you'll cry like a baby.

Wow! Anaheim beat St. Louis (login: laexaminer; password: laexaminer). But I'm seeing that Chris Pronger and goalie Brent Johnson are both out. That explains it. I really should resume my St. Louis Post-Dispatch subscription.
In other upset news, the Islander were spanked by Buffalo, 5-1. It's so weird. Before last season, everyone thought the Isles were a crap team. Then they had a great 2001-2002 season and everyone thought they were a great team. I think we're all making too many snap Islander decisions. Although I am troubled they pulled Chris Osgood in the second. From what I understand, young goalie stud Rick DiPietro is kind of pissed he's back in the AHL this year. So if Osgood breaks down, the Isles might be screwed.
I also think the Islanders are in trouble because they share their blue and orange colors with another New York pit of despair — the New York Mets.

Toronto lived up to the hype, beating Pittsburgh 6-0. But you can't even say Pittsburgh. It's not a team — it's Mario Lemieux skating with people.
Goalie Eddie Belfour had a great game for Toronto. No one knew how he would play. I find that really funny. All these teams wanted to sign him and no one knew if he was still any good. I guess he has good word of mouth or something.
It was a good night for super goalies: New Jersey Devil Martin Brodeur came within two minutes of pitching a shut-out.

I have to start reading articles all the way through. I totally missed that the Kings put up a big statue of Wayne Gretzky in front of the Staples Center, where he never played. Here is a picture. I'm thinking of starting a Wayne Gretzky statue business. There's going to be a statue in New York, Edmonton, and Phoenix. So I could have three clients lined up already. I bet St. Louis will even put up a statue.
I have to start making some cold calls.

The good news is ESPN's opening night ratings were up 6% from last year, their best numbers since 1992. The bad news is that only brings the ratings up to a .82. I'm not sure, but I think bowling might kick hockey's ass in the ratings. I think a sit-com with Arsenio Hall and Dustin Diamond playing adopted brothers might even beat that rating.

Jay Mariotti says the 'Hawks should never have taken Theo Fleury, suspended indefinitely for violating the NHL's substance abuse policy.
The 'Hawks took a chance and Fleury's suspension for substance abuse was never a foregone conclusion. In fact, it's pretty surprising. He seemed to have his sobriety under control while constantly letting his life go to crap. But when Fleury's on, he's on, and the 'Hawks weren't wrong to hope they'd get a good season out of him. They were wrong for not having a back-up plan.

The Rangers spent the whole preseason talking about how they're no longer about Mark Messier and about how he's going to have to adjust to a new role on the third or fourth line. Messier carried and dragged the team into into and out of the Stanley Cup finals in 1994. Now he's supposed to just be a supporting player. Not last night. Two goals and 20 minutes on the ice, 10 on the special teams unit. The Rangers looked pretty good last night. There was a lot more defense then I've seen in a while. There were actual times Ranger goalie Mike Richter was able to relax. Luckily his time with the Rangers conditioned him to expect a lot of shots. It seemed like Carolina goalie Arturs Irbe was a little shocked by the extra shots and scoring chances the new obstruction rules allow. Richters been playing that way for years.

T.J. Simers has a stupid column (login: laexaminer; password: laexaminer) on the Kings retiring Wayne Gretzky's number 99. He blames Gretzky for bringing hockey to California. The LA Times should have sent an intern to cover the game. I'm tired of columnists acting like there's a gun to their head when they write about hockey. Quit your job if it's so awful.

Here is a review of NHL 2003, the video game. Spin had one, too, but I forgot to write about it. They had some Canadian rock band review it. Everyone seems to like it, and the goaltending is supposed to be more realistic than NHL 2002's. I don't know. I don't think it's healthy to think too much about video games.
Speaking of fun, ESPN's Page 2 has a funny list of what's hot and what's not in the NHL this year.

The NHL has indefinitely suspended Theo Fleury for violating its substance abuse program.
What a waste.
Wes Goldstein (who does a really nice job covering hockey over at CBS SportsLine.com) picked Fleury's return to Madison Square Garden as one of this year's 10 non-playoff games to watch: "Unless Theo Fleury goes off the deep end before this game (not out of the realm of possibility, given his history), he'll get to play in Madison Square Garden for the first time since the Rangers unceremoniously told him to take a hike last spring." I was lookng forward to Fleury's return to MSG, too. I bought tickets. I wonder if I can trade them in.

I realized I've neglected a couple of teams, so here's a round-up of what's going on with some of the NHL's lesser entities:

* Atlanta needs a captain. I don't think anyone on the team wants anyone else to know they play for Atlanta.

* Columbus gave Rick Nash, the number one draft pick, a $1.185 million a year contract that could be worth up to $9 million with incentives. Doesn't Columbus bitch about being a small-market team with no money to throw around? Maybe they just don't want to spend it on players who have proven themselves successful in the NHL.

* Here's some news about the Wild. Honestly, they're as boring to read about as they are to watch. And now that the NHL is supposedly clamping down on obstructions, this trap-happy sleeping pill of a team is screwed. Maybe the Twins will do something this year.

* The Predators made Greg Johnson their captain. Just to give you an idea of Nashville's depth, I was the second choice.

Speaking of Nashville (and of Oiler Georges Laraque [see below]), This is a hilarious story about Laraque and Nashville enforcer Stu Grimson. It's all about how they love to kick the crap out of each other. Here's Laraque on their first meeting:

"He didn't have to fight me then because I was just a rookie who was probably going back to the minors. But when he fought me, it was huge for me. Guys like him gave me a chance to make a name for myself, and I really respected that."

Hey! Thanks for fighting me!
The messed up part of all of this is that a fight with Laraque led to Grimson developing a post-concussion syndrome that probably ended his career. Grimson has no hard feelings, but it's got to freak Laraque out. Not only did he end a career, he could be the one blacking out on skates in 10 years.

The Tampa Bay Lightning are finally winning. Well not really the Lightning, but their mascot, ThunderBug. He's the first North American mascot to participate in the British Mascot Grand National Race. ThunderBug came in 9th out of 110 mascots.
No word yet on if the NHL will award points in the standings for this.

Defenseman Jay Bouwmeester, who should have been the first pick in the draft, got his contract junk worked out with Florida, so he'll play in the NHL this year. I'm very curious what kind of impact he'll have on this weak team. Rookie years are tough, but he's playing for a great coach (Crazy Mike Keenan), who loves tough defenseman. Bouwmeester will learn a lot from Keenean. And with Luongo in net, it's a pretty strong back end. I'd be shocked if Florida won 35 games, but they just might win 30 this year. Not that anyone will notice, but still...

I was just thinking about the Caps today, wondering what they were up to. I don't think I've heard anything about Jaromir Jagr in like a year or so. No Jagr news, but the Oilers traded Mike Grier to them for the Capitals' second- and third-round draft picks. Washington can always use some grit. But I don't get Edmonton's rationale for the trade: they want to give more ice time to thug/fight machine Georges Laraque. Apparently they want him to carry the offensive load now, too. So Edmonton has a player who's really good at one thing, in this case fighting, and they're trying to turn him into a different kind of player? Why didn't they just trade for a goal-scorer of some kind? Why are they trying to break Laraque? Or is he going to score from the penalty box?

I'm not sure what the Penguins are up to. They're moving Alexei Kovalev to center from right wing. My first thought was that it was crazy, since Pittsburgh is such a weak team, to have Kovalev adjusting to a new position on the job. But maybe it's not horrible. It gives Pittsburgh two solid lines, as long as Lemieux stays healthy. Definitely something to watch.

MSNBC weighs in on the NHL's new obstruction rules with a piece that makes no new points while being really, really late. Gotta love those networks!
In other trite hockey news, Reuters has the two-millionth story on Atlanta Thrasher rookies Ilya Kovalchuk and Dany Heatley being friends. I love the Cold War analogy. Hasn't that been over for like a decade or two?
I'm not sure why I'm linking to crappy stories either...

Missing Blackhawk Theo Fleury says he missed two practices because his father was having a tumor removed. He also found time to lash out at the media for immediately playing the substance abuse card while reporting on his disappearance.
I saw CHANGING LANES this weekend, and there's a great scene where William Hurt, who plays recovering alcoholic Samuel L. Jackson's sponsor, lashes out at Jackson, telling him that he's not addicted to alcohol, but that he's addicted to chaos. That's Fleury in a nut-shell. Why not tell your employers where you are? Why not tell the media? Why create a whole controversy when you have a legitimate reason to miss a couple of practices? Because in Fleury's world, it's somehow easier to create storms than it is to do the sensible thing.

I don't get the Queen's tour of Canada and why she's at hockey games. She's not elected, and even if she was elected, she wouldn't be elected by Canadians.

You've got to love the structure of Mark Messier's contract with the Rangers. According to the New York Post, he gets a $1 million base salary and a $3 million signing bonus ($1 million of that is deferred until 2004). To activate his option for the following season, he needs 20 goals or 50 points. If he reaches that, he also gets $250,000. He also gets $500,000 for playing in 50 games. He picks up another $250,000 if the Rangers make it to the second round, $300,000 for winning the conference finals, and $400,000 for winning the Stanley Cup.
Does a contract need to be that complicated? Why not just give him $50,000 a goal for regular season goals and bump him up to $75,000 a goal for post-season goals? Or just pay him by the hour. I understand both sides are trying to maximize value and minimize risk, but this contract just seems silly.

Fascinating! ESPN is backing away from hockey for the NBA. In other news, the NHL plays on ice. John Saunders is moving to the ESPN's NBA team. I always found his hockey work kind of stiff.

The Islanders seem to have found a linemate for Aleksei Yashin, in the form of Shawn Bates, last seen playing with Michael Peca and Mark Parrish on the Lucky 7s line (all their numbers end in 7). But with Peca rehabbing a Maple Leaf-induced knee injury, it's finders keepers. It's a been a long, interesting journey for Bates, who was at the bottom of Boston's depth chart just two seasons ago. Now he's playing on the top line of a genuine Stanley Cup contender.

With the season starting Wednesday, here are the opening day records for all the NHL teams. There doesn't seem to be any pattern to it. In fact, the San Jose Sharks, who many think will take the Cup this year, have only won twice and tied twice out of 11 opening days.