And now, for your reading displeasure, the absolutely saddest, saddest, saddest installment of PuckUpdate. Ever. EVER.

Robert Esche, the Flyers goalie, has a lot on his mind. His team is about to enter the playoffs. He spent some time in net for the injured number one Roman Cechmanek. And his younger brother could be on his way to Iraq.
Henry Esche is a sergeant in the 3rd Battalion, 8th Marine Regiment, currently stationed in Japan. But parts of his unit have already shipped out to Iraq.
Now most people might say "Big deal. Backups never play in the playoffs anyway." But you forget who Esche backs up. It's Roman "Playoff Freakout" Cechmanek. So Esche has to know he could have some really huge games coming up.
Esche isn't the only NHLer with family in the military. New York Ranger Brian Leetch's brother is a Green Beret. Eric Leetch is due to ship out to Afghanistan at the end of March.

Are you sad yet? Wait. It gets sadder.

Colleen Howe, wife of hockey legend Gordie Howe, is suffering from Pick's Disease, a severe form of dementia.
Colleen is more than the wife (and mother) of an NHL player. She's considered to be the first female agent. She took an active role in Gordie's career, getting him more money and making sure he had a career, even after he was unable to play hockey. Although, Gordie played for like 10 decades, so I can't imagine that was a huge task. But still, Colleen is important to hockey, and obviously important to Gordie.
Gordie, by the way, turns 75 Monday.
Howe's numbers and career are all amazing, but what blows my mind is how much people love him despite what a dirty player he was. He was just mean as hell on the ice. It's a real tribute to his warmth off the ice that people even talk to him, let alone love him, the way they do.
I never met Colleen Howe but I've always loved everything I've read about her. She seems to be a straight-shooter, a brilliant businesswoman, and someone who wouldn't let the oppressive nature of the 50s or the oppressive nature of sports keep her down.

This one will break your heart.

Ollie Kolzig, the Captial goaltender (who's having a great season, by the way), has an autistic son.
Carson Kolzig is just two years old.
Autism is a tough. No one really knows what causes it or how to cure it. But there's hope. Former Miami Dolphin great Dan Marino's son is austistic and they had a lot of success in terms of getting him functioning. In fact, he's basically cured.
The Kolzigs are just at the beginning of their battle, though.
Luckily, things are already starting to look up for Carson. Says proud papa Ollie:

He's my little man. He follows me everywhere, he wants me to go everywhere with him, he always grabs me by the hand. He's really affectionate. His eye contact is unbelievable. He still has a lot of other issues, but he is really responding to this therapy.

Autism is tough for anybody but luckily the Kolzig's have the financial resources to give their son a shot at getting better.

OK. Enough sad stories.

Here's some good news. The Wings gave 40-year-old dynamo Brett Hull a one-year, $5 million contract extension.
I guess it's good news for Red Wing fans, but bad news for Blues and Stars fans. Rumors were always sending Hull to either of those teams.
And I'm sure the Rangers would have gone for him. The price is certainly right for them.

Oh the irony of it. The Rangers have stood up to some of the league's toughest team. Ottawa. Philadelphia. the Islanders. It's the weak teams the Rangers have problems with. The Atlantas. The Buffalos. The Pittsburghs.
Yeah. That's right. The Rangers couldn't hold off Pittsburgh. They dropped a must-win game 3-1. And did I mention Mario Lemieux didn't play? And did I mention Pittsburgh skated into this game without a victory in 16 games. And did you know the Rangers needed to win this game to keep their playoff hopes alive?
It's ridiculous. The Rangers are such a talented team, yet so lazy. Their best line tonight? The one with Alexei Kovalev? The one with Mark Messier? The one with Eric Lindros? Nope. Try the Ted Donato—Dan LaCouture—Sandy McCarthy. They were the only three guys working hard.
Everyone talks about salary around the league. The Rangers are proof that exorbitant salaries act as their own handicapper. Because the Rangers overpay so many players, the players don't feel they have to work. So while just about every other team in the league spends less than the Rangers, just about every other team works hard. So the whole thing balances out.
The saddest thing about all this? There's nothing the Rangers can do to get better. Who are they going to add? Gordie Howe? Superman? The Rangers are an amazing team. There's very little that can be done to improve them. They're just lazy as hell. But the skills and talent are all there. They're more than there. No one knows how to tap it, though.
So for all practical purposes, the New York Rangers are about as threatening as the Penguins. Maybe even less so.
Salary and spending really mean nothing.

Very sad. Tony Amonte misses his family. Trades are always so exciting, but they also kind of stress me out because I tend to identify with the player being traded. I start thinking about how hard it is to up and move with no notice. Imagine if you came to work one day and your boss told you you were going to do a similar job in another state (or country) for a different company. It's got to be very jarring.
At least Amonte is kicking ass in Philly. That's got to take the sting out.

I'll admit it. I let my love of the Rangers cloud my hockey blogging judgement. All day today, I was thinking about the Islanders playing Chicago. An Islander loss would have put the Rangers within two points of the last playoff spot. The Islanders hadn't won in Chicago since 1990. Sure, Chicago sucks, but maybe there was something about Chicago that would keep the Isles from winning. And sure, maybe Chicago's plan was to bring up some of their younger talent to give them a peak at the big show, but perhaps these kids would be hungry and would topple the Islanders.
Um. Yeah. Sure.
The Islanders embarassed Chicago 9-2. Alexei Yashin, a freaking bump on a log all season long, scored four goals. That like doubles his season total. And what do you call four goals in a game? A hat and scarf trick? (Yeah. I love that joke.)
So basically everyone on the Islanders scored. They're a little bit closer to clinching that last spot. And if Yashin keeps this scoring pace up, no one else on the team will even have to score. And if Yashin keeps this scoring pace up, you also have to wonder if he's going to ignore his contract, sit out and demand more money again, like he did in Ottawa.
The Rangers are hoping he does. It looks like that's the only way they'll make the playoffs.

This is old, but I missed it. Al Strachan got a hold of the league's list of divers, a diver being a player who dramatizes incidental contact on the ice.
Let's look at the list, shall we?

Darius Kasparaitis (NYR)
Matthew Barnaby (NYR)
Shaun Van Allen (OTT)
Bryan McCabe (TOR)
Rick DiPietro (NYI)

So there you have it. The Five Who Dive.
You may have noticed DiPietro is a goalie. Can goalies dive? Of course. The thing is, maybe DiPietro dives to make saves.
Like here's something interesting. This week's The Hockey News mentions that Edmonton's Marty Reasoner and Calgary's Oleg Saprykin were both called for diving after being pulled down on breakaways. Like they wanted the powerplay more than the breakaway. So what if the ref calls diving on a breakaway, but also calls a goalie, too, who maybe went down early in anticipation of the shot.
So yeah. Just try not to leave your skates until the officials get this sorted out.

Hmmm. That's odd. I'm sober and drug-free, yet I'm about to write that both Tampa Bay and the Mighty Ducks clinched playoff spots.
OK. I'm back. Sorry. I had to get up and see if the streets were opening up and swallowing us all up. But it's fine outside. Nice even. Mild.
At the start of the season, I could kinda-sorta see Tampa maybe getting a spot. Everyone was expecting another strong year from goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin and it seemed like Vinny Lecavalier was finally starting to grow into his potential. And then Tampa had a really strong start, which is really the secret to making the playoffs. If you have an amazing October, you can get away with being average the rest of the season. It worked for the Bolts this season and it worked for the Islanders last season. So even when Khabibulin started to struggle this season, the Lightning were still entrenched in a spot. Or as the Pentagon might say, they were embedded.
Of course, the Tampa Tribune brilliantly and insightfully attributes the Lightning success to "More Offense." I'd love to see a team lose with "More Offense." Look for the Trib to soon reveal the secret of getting rich: "More Money."
You may have noticed the Ducks clinched their spot in the West. Disney is having a great sports year. First the Angels. Now the Ducks. All of this success almost makes EuroDisney seem like it was all worth it.
Do people give you a hard time about the Ducks? My friends always tease me about their name like I picked it or something.
Anyway, over in Anaheim they play very tight defense and have gotten a super year out of Sebastien Giguere. He has eight shutouts. That helps a lot. It takes the pressure off the forwards. Not forward Paul Kariya, though. He never feels any pressure. He knows he's overpaid. But for guys like Petr Sykora and the recently-acquired Steve Thomas, who actually try to play hockey, it probably helps knowing you've got someone solid between the pipes.

Just a few weeks ago, I called it "The Curse of the Homecoming."
Brad May and Doug Gilmour, both deadline pickups, were injured after returning to teams they used to play for.
Well maybe it's not "The Curse of the Homecoming." Maybe it's "The Curse of the Deadline."
The latest casualty is Toronto defenseman Glen Wesley. He broke his ankle.
Wesley came to the Thugs from the Hurricanes, sometime during March Trade Madness 2003©.
Aye. She's a powerful curse laddies. Be careful with her.

Brett Hull never stops, does he?
What's the latest with Brett?
Now he's saying he wouldn't mind going back to play with the Blues again. Hull previously spent 10 years with them.
Now you have to ask yourself a couple of questions when you read something like this.
1) Did Hull really say it?
I don't know. Maybe?
2) Why would he leave the Wings?
Tired of being on an amazing team? Tired of kicking ass with linemates Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg?
3) Why wouldn't he go back to Dallas?
I'd think he would. His house and girlfriend are there. And Dallas is just an amazing team. Again. But maybe he still feels bad about beating Hasek from within the crease?
4) Does Hull mean anything he says?
Probably not.

Winning a Stanley Cup is as much about depth as it is about skill. But gee whiz. The Stars are deep as hell and they're still getting screwed. Who's the latest injury? Pierre Turgeon. He needed surgery and a plate on his ankle. He's supposed to be out a month. This is on top of Bill Guerin being hurt. And this is after the Stars sort of stayed pat at the trade deadline, figuring nothing else could go wrong. Of course, they were wrong. Now they have to figure a way out of the first round while hoping they have key players like Turgeon and Guerin, back for the next round. At least goalie Marty Turco is finally back. Of course, with the luck the Stars have been having lately, he'll probably end up breaking his hands or something horrible like that.
Next season Dallas should be allowed to carry a 50-man roster. They've proven they need it.

OK. So you might not know it by just reading here, but there's a war going on in Iraq. Shocking, right?
I've been kind of ignoring it because it just scares the crap out of me and I figure most people don't come here for war news anyway. But you really can't escape war. Maybe we're safe from the physical aspects (at least I hope we all are), but the political and emotional waves are inescapable. They even reach hockey.
Ron MacLean and Don Cherry have been debating the war on HOCKEY NIGHT IN CANADA. Cherry is pro-war while MacLean isn't. The left-leaning CBC has been letting the two guys tear it up, though. I'm not sure why. But it's pretty interesting. Especially considering that here in the States, we're still not really open discussing the war in any kind of meaningful way. There are tons of people for and against the war, but you don't see them together at the same time. Except at the Oscars.
I don't know, man. I just want everyone to come home safely.

I'm hip. I dig those crazy hockey mask designs. Meet the man who paints them.
This is article is more than an article. It's also a history of the goalie mask. Although, it doesn't mention Jason from the FRIDAY THE 13TH movies. But that's OK. I scare easily.

Wow. This isn't a typo. The Wild shut down Detroit 4-0. Detroit didn't even play that poorly. They were just totally stunted by Minnesota's oppressive trapping.
The Wild clinched their playoff spot, just three years after entering the league.
They're real overachievers out there in the mid-West.
And yet, oddly enough, they also underachieve. They refuse to play hockey. They just bore teams to death. And their latest offensive strategy? Scoring on rebounds and deflections. If I didn't know better, I'd swear the misnamed Wild don't want to play hockey. Maybe they don't even know how to play hockey.
Now let's all bow our heads and pray the Wild don't get out of the first round of the playoffs. Because no one wants to watch more than one round of 10 guys standing in the neutral zone, trying to deflect pucks into the net.

Wow. This is the craziest thing I've read in a while. Larry Brooks over at the New York Post is floating the rumor that Mario Lemieux is going to sell the Penguins and get himself traded to another team. Apparently the Avs were even trying to figure out how to land Lemieux at the draft deadline — which everyone knows is impossible since Lemieux has an agreement with the league to only play in Pittsburgh as long as he owns the team.
Lemieux has spent his entire career with the Penguins. He's never worn another team's jersey (except maybe for some game a little while back where he played as a member of the Baby Penguins — but I'm not sure and I can't find a link). In fact, rumors have swirled for years and years that the Penguins took a dive during the 1983 season in order to land Lemieux. Now, or soon, almost 20 years later, Lemieux might finally be leaving. Brooks pegs Lemieux's potential salary at $10 million.

How would Eminem put it?
"Turco's back. Back again."
Marty Turco returned to the nets for Dallas, holding the St. Louis Blues to only one goal in a 3-1 victory. Of course, it started ugly. Turco gave up the only goal on the first shot of the game. But Turco shook it off and seemed pretty happy with the win.
But who was happiest? Backup goalie Ron Tugnutt, who can now go back to being a backup goalie: "I haven't enjoyed this past month or so whatsoever. I haven't slept as well. I'm an upbeat guy, and I haven't been. I gave what I had; it didn't work as well as I would have liked. I wanted to be the difference in every game."
Turco, himself a backup last season, was a hard man to replace after he went down with an ankle injury. He hadn't been letting anything into the net.
One game back under his belt and it seems like nothing's changed.

A bunch of shrinks figured out that home ice advantage is a myth. I'm not really sure how, but they figured out that teams lose on home ice around 60% of the time. They blame the phenomena on team's choking. Previous studies have found similar numbers for baseball.
Me? I don't know. There's just not a lot going on in hockey right now. Unless the Rangers can catch that number eight spot. But other than that, everyone is just in a holding pattern. It's gotten so bad, I find myself wanting to write about that Michael Essany guy from E!. He does a talk show out of his parent's basement. What's the deal with him? Is he like 75 or something? Who acts like that? They should show him in black-and-white. And his obsession with Johnny Carson and all of his mannerisms is just unsettling. I think Essany is scarier than home ice.